Have you ever looked at your reflection and hated what you saw? I want you to know that the gal you see in the mirror is not who you are. It’s just a reflection of what you see in your mind’s eye.
But what story are you telling yourself about you, your body, your life? If you’re a plus size woman, are you carrying yourself proudly, lovin’ the skin you’re in or making apologies for your size? If you feel like your biggest burden is your butt, then I’ve got news for you. No amount of dieting or exercise is going to change the way you feel. Because the problem is not the fat on your body, you’ve got to get rid of the fat in your head. Let me tell you what I mean by that.
I’ve been wanting to speak with you about this for awhile. Have you ever looked at your reflection and hated what you saw? I want you to know that the gal you see in the mirror is not who you are. It’s just a reflection of what you see in your mind’s eye at any given moment.
And that’s directly related to the things you’re saying to yourself. What story are you telling yourself about you, your body, and your life? If you’re a plus size woman, are you carrying yourself proudly, lovin’ the skin you’re in or making apologies for your size? If you feel like your biggest burden is your butt, then I’ve got news for you. No amount of dieting or exercise is going to change the way you feel. Because the problem is not the fat on your body, you’ve got to get rid of the fat in your head. Let me tell you what I mean by that.
Have you ever felt out of control in your own body? Certain that you wanted to do, say or feel something other than what you are experiencing in the moment, but fearing deep down in your heart that you just couldn’t respond differently even if you tried. You get really tied up in knots when you feel that way. Don’t you?
I don’t know about you, but when I feel so vulnerable that’s when food starts calling my name. Does that ever happen to you? Do you want to know why? Well here’s something that I learned as a coach that has made a powerful impression on me. Let me tell you about it.
Learned Helplessness: Those Imaginary Chains That Bind
When circus elephants are trained as young calves, they are taught to obey their trainer’s every command. This is done by placing a chain around one of their ankles which is attached to a large stake driven deep into the ground. Being just a tiny baby, their little pulls and tugs are not strong enough to break the chain or uplift the stake so they eventually give up trying to escape. This is an example of what is called learned helplessness.
Naturally I know that you’re very different from an elephant and you don’t have a chain around your ankle preventing you from moving, but can you relate to these situations?
• Have you ever made the decision to avoid doing something or going somewhere because you didn’t feel good enough?
• Have you been feeling awful about your body?
• Have you been thinking of yourself as someone who is out of control?
• Have you ever spent more than a second analyzing your flaws?
• Have you spent too much time consumed with thinking about food and feeling fat?
• Have you ever believed something about yourself that wasn’t true?
• Have you been limiting yourself to only doing what you know you can do?
• Have you ever sworn that you can’t do something now, because you couldn’t do it before?
• Have you given up on yourself?
These are all examples of the shackles that have been keeping you stuck.
Just like the little elephant, you’ve been boxed in by people who have trained you to believe that you weren’t strong enough to break free of your own self imposed limits.
You may be a rockin’ fierce and powerful businesswoman, able to negotiate with the best of them, but once you’re alone with your mate, behind closed doors, you feel out of your comfort zone, nervous, exposed and anxious looking to find any excuse to slip away. Or you may be a strong mother to your kids, but when you face your own parents, and siblings you act like a child. No matter how you slice it, we all struggle with versions of feeling not good enough in different places and times in our lives.
Just like an annoying pebble stuck rolling ’round somewhere inside your shoe, you can feel something is there, irritating you, but you can’t seem to get rid of it. Perhaps like me you bought into the belief that because you were overweight you weren’t good enough, would never fit in and thinking because you were flawed, you didn’t really deserve to be happy.
Maybe that’s why you’ve been putting things off or settling for less, trying to make the best out of a bad situation. But that’s only left you feeling more frustrated and wanting to avoid those uncomfortable feelings, you might have found that somewhere along the way food became your best friend.
Despite all your accomplishments and accolades, you may still find yourself struggling with a nagging feeling that you’re just not… thin enough, smart enough or pretty enough, etc. You may wonder why once you’re down and feeling low, you notice that you’re kicking yourself a little harder, mimicking the critics of your past, asking yourself dead end questions like, “What kind of idiot am I? Why can’t I do anything right? Why am I so fat, Why am I so ugly? Why can’t I stop eating?” “Why can’t I get past hurting/sabotaging myself? “What’s wrong with me?”
Just like the little elephant, perhaps you’ve tried to buck up against all the judgment and critical statements and the people who said them when you were perhaps smaller, weaker, younger, more naïve. It could have come from the angry words of a scorned ex husband or a mother who was always emotionally unavailable, a critical dad or some other core relationship that contributed to you becoming the person you are today. But eventually because you didn’t feel safe and supported putting yourself out there and making yourself heard, you gave up and stopped trying to assert yourself, because it was too difficult to swim against the current. It became easier to just give in and not make waves.
So the more insecure part of you allowed these statements and judgments to become a part of who you are. They slowly seeped into your soul. It didn’t happen immediately. It evolved over time without you even realizing it. It was a gradual erosion that made you feel different about yourself, a little less free, a little less entitled, and a little less lovable.
You accepted these limitations as part of your identity. These are the buggers that have to be dealt with in order for you to feel safe enough at any size and make peace with foods like the much beloved, french fries and pies.
What I Learned About Breaking the Chains That Bind
I’ve learned that self acceptance begins with making peace with food, however experience has also taught me that in order to deepen that relationship with myself, I’ve had to make a commitment to becoming my own best friend. That means having the courage to re-examine my life and deal with the chains that have kept me stuck. In reality that meant stepping up and taking responsibility for my own happiness, doing a lot of forgiving of myself and others, letting go of how I thought things should be and just accepting them as they are, putting my energy into changing the things I could and letting the rest go. That’s when I began to love and accept that woman who reflected back at me in my mirror.
In previous years, I hung my hat on the hopes that other people would make me happy, keep me feeling safe, take care of me and give me the assurance I needed to know without question that I was lovable. Those years were fraught with tension and turmoil, and filled with chaos and confusion. It seemed that every time I was disappointed by something someone said or did, I could always blame it on the size of my thighs or the fact that I was a victim of abuse. Today I know that blaming my thighs or anything else for that matter is a waste of my precious time and energy because it buys into the illusion that I am powerless. I’m not and neither are you!
My thighs are not my problem and your excess weight is not yours. It’s only been distracting you from seeing the real problem, things that you can often really do something about.
I continue to work on what I can change and accept what I can’t, knowing full well that I can only control myself and my thoughts and nobody else’s. On the road to recovery, I’m learning more and getting better every day. Now I know without a doubt that when I start to focus on the size of my thighs, and I begin to diss that gal in the mirror again, pushing her around and trying to make her feel small because she’s still big, a big warning bell goes off in my head telling me to look deeper and see what is hiding beneath those old dusty, crusty fat headed obsessions.
The fact is, until you break those chains and free yourself from your mental, emotional, spiritual bondage, you’ll never be able to look in the mirror at yourself and accept your body in any state, fat, thin or in between, because like me, it is not your body that you hate but the chains that bind you.
You are actually just as powerful as that elephant. No matter what has hurt you in the past, since you are still here, you are a survivor. And in the same way that the elephant just needs to lightly tug in order to break it’s chains, you can do the same and I look forward to sharing the hows and why’s of doing that with you in future blog posts.
And if you want more, I’d love to invite you to join me in my new weekly Wednesday Blogtalkradio Show, “Lovin’ the Skin You’re In.” It’s on from 8:00 p.m. – 8:30 p.m. Eastern.
This coming Wednesday, February 6, we’ll be talking about the fact that food is not the issue. Can’t wait to hear you on the line.
Much love,
Andrea