Have you ever found yourself running to the pantry to scarf down a box of chocolates after saying, “yes” to someone when you really wanted to say, “No?” When you want to put your foot down and get your point across, how many ways can you think of to say “No?” What? You don’t feel comfortable saying, “No?” Oh My Gosh! I can so relate to you. I used to have the same problem, but I’ve since gotten over it and you can too.
Have you ever found yourself running to the pantry to scarf down a box of chocolates after saying, “yes” to someone when you really wanted to say, “No?”
When you want to put your foot down and get your point across, how many ways can you think of to say “No?” What? You don’t feel comfortable saying, “No?” Oh My Gosh! I can so relate to you. I used to have the same problem, but I’ve since gotten over it and you can too.
On April 21, I had the pleasure of being asked to be the featured expert on body image for the Tapping Insiders’ Club. It was a live Q&A call and I had the opportunity to speak with and coach several women who were struggling with body and food issues.
I explained to them that the ability of setting boundaries and limits in our lives are so important to the health of our bodies. Boundaries define our values and clarify to ourselves and others what is acceptable behavior and what is not.
But oftentimes people who come from abusive homes never learn how to set boundaries effectively. Consequently, they end up attracting a lot of misery in their lives by wanting to be helpful or nice.
Particularly challenging are relationships with toxic people that can put a people-pleasing nice person on emotional overload. Living under the shadow of abuse, the cloak of invisibility feels safe as long as you don’t rock the boat.
But if you’re ready to stop being a doormat, and want to stand in your power and use the painful experience of your past to spur you on to greater things, you’ve got to learn how to build your boundary muscles.
Be assured that once you do shake things up by acting differently, prepare for the consequences, people will get rattled.
Overcoming the Disease to Please
In living and working with my Nana for so many years, I was raised by example to believe that if you are blessed in life, it’s your responsibility to give back and share your blessings with others. But my precious Nana had no sense of boundaries so she never knew when to say, “No.” Her giving and wanting to help others knew no bounds.
I learned about the joy of giving back through her. That is still very much a part of who I am; however, now I can see how I confused my desire to share with being a doormat. Ah balance .Gotta love it!
NLP is short for Neuro Linguistic Programming and it’s all about exploring the many wonderful nuances of communication and discovering new and unique methods for doing things differently.
Thanks to my NLP training, I’ve learned to really respect and love having boundaries. In fact that’s why I devoted a whole chapter to teaching how to develop them in my book, “Lovin’ the Skin You’re In: The Juicy Woman’s Guide to Making Peace with Food and Friends with Your Body.”
I began to really learn about the importance of having boundaries when I made the decision to stop dieting. Sounds ridiculous. I know. But the experience of giving myself the opportunity and the self-trust I needed to discover how to reclaim my power over food, taught me that I had so many false beliefs that were keeping me living in fear. It was no surprise for me to realize that’s why I kept returning to food to keep me feeling safe. Food and Nana and love were always bundled up for me.
My ability to say “No” started with a single rancid potato chip. From there I began to discover that I wasn’t the fat, out of control pig that I had been called. I realized that if they were wrong about that, what other things had I been led to believe that were also lies?
That experience of being able to care deeply for myself by questioning the core of my beliefs and exploring what felt true to me was the reinforcement I needed to keep on my new path of self-nurturing.
I began voicing my opinion and saying “No” with low risk askers; the telemarketer who called at dinner, a survey taker, a stranger’s request for my time or money.
As I continued to practice this new skill, I got better and felt wonderful taking back my power. My fearful old mousy ways were giving way to a new wonderful me.
I had more time, more money and a stronger sense of self because I wasn’t always saying yes anymore.
I’ve learned that “No” can be said gracefully with love and respect, it can be spoken in jest and it can be stated clearly with sternness and authority.
Here are some of the specific ways that I’ve learned how to say no and set better boundaries. I’ve learned that apart from my old way of thinking that there’s only one right way to do something, there are as many ways to say no as there are people in the world. Here are some of mine:
- No!
- That doesn’t work for me.
- I’m not seeing it that way at all.
- I can’t quite get a handle on this.
- I guess we’re not cut out to get this going.
- I’m not willing to commit to that.
- That may not be the best use of my time.
- This doesn’t hum for me.
- I’m not in tune with this.
- I’m not in sync with you.
- This doesn’t feel right to me.
- I’m not digging this.
- I don’t agree with you.
- I can’t get my arms around what you are saying.
- Yuck!
- That’s a no go!
- Whoa Nelly!
- What else can you offer me?
- Is that the best that you can do?
- Oh come on!
- Give me a break!
- What’s that about?
- Who are you kidding?
- I’m not feeling it.
- You want me to do what?
- Fuggedabout it.
- Next!
- Let’s be real.
- Evidently we just don’t see eye to eye.
- Maybe next time!
- You’ll have to do better than that!
- That’s not even close.
- Be for real.
- You’ve got to be kidding me.
- That’s insulting to me.
- That’s unacceptable.
- I’m not okay with that.
- I feel that you are intruding upon me.
- I can feel your feet all over me. Get off!
- That’s quite inappropriate.
- Are we done?
- I don’t think so.
- No way!
- I’m sure that you can do better than that, can’t you?
- Oh come now…
Now I’d like you to go ahead and give these a try. Let me know how they work for you. Because all in all, I truly believe that if you want to be a happier person and learn how to love and accept yourself more and lose weight without dieting, one of the most important skills you must learn is how to say, “No” without resentment, hurt or guilt. Go for it. You can do it.
Feeling like you need a hand getting started? Take a leap and invest in yourself by registering for my upcoming seminar called, “Tap into the Power of Self-Acceptance.”