Jessica Weiner is a best-selling author, speaker and advocate for women’s empowerment. As a plus size woman for years I struggled with so many self doubts, downplaying my gifts and talents. After I saw a video of Jessica on her website, I was inspired by her to step out and be proud of my curvy plus size body and share my message of empowerment with other women. That’s when I recognized that my message was more powerful than my fears. Thank you, Jess. You’re my role model.
Do you think your life would be perfect if you could just lose that extra weight? I used to feel that way too. Let me tell you about an insight that I had that changed the way I feel about my body, and maybe it will inspire you to start seeing your body from a fresh perspective.
As a plus size woman, it’s been my experience to blame whatever misery in my life existed on the size of my thighs. That along with a history of being abused was what I felt was ‘my curse.’ Poor little victim, Andrea. That was my story.
“The problem is my thighs…”
But after going through so much therapy I was convinced that I could just be done with the abuse thing and I swept it under the carpet and called it a day. So I was certain that it was only my thighs that were what was standing between me and happiness. I swore until I got myself back down to my perfect Barbie size 8, I wouldn’t be worth anything to anyone. I didn’t actually say that to people but I sure felt it and worst of all my behavior reflected it.
It showed up in every way from my never-say-no ravenous hunger to my willingness to accept a salary far beneath my value and every other degrading and depressing situation in between. For years, I felt so empty inside, worthless and starved for love and always needing approval. My way of dealing with it was to stuff my feelings by eating my way through my misery and becoming a people pleaser; giving so many unconditional permission to step all over me and use me for a doormat.
No boundaries: My juggling act
Running the family business, being married, having kids, dealing with my son’s speech impediment, taking care of an elderly grandmother, being a gal desperate to make a difference through years of volunteering in schools and in the community with kids, and having no sense of personal boundaries, was a recipe for disaster. But boy could I juggle all the balls as long as I ignored my own needs.
For years I wrung myself out and did my best trying to dance to everyone else’s tune. But no matter what I did, how much I gave and how hard I worked, I could never be good enough. I compared myself to everyone all the time and always managed to come up short. I downplayed every talent and strength that I had, always measuring my self worth by the size of my thighs.
My thighs: The mirror of my ego
My dress size always accurately reflected the degree to which I felt entitled to be happy. When it was up and I was ‘fat and ugly’ I felt miserable and good for nothing. When it was down, I felt sexy, confident and cute. Aside of my work with kids which always made me feel so confident and competent, the rest of my life became a constant striving to please people and/or be cute, a fixture; the proverbial dumb blonde. I was leading a double life and not always walking my talk. My struggles with dieting kept me believing that my problems were rooted in my fat; my thighs.
Then when I made the decision to stop dieting that ended so much of the self criticism that I faced every day. As I began to finally make peace and feel safe with food, I also began to clear the cobwebs of the limiting beliefs that I had labored under for so many years, blindly accepting every unkind word ever spoken to me as the truth. I started to realize that I had taken other people’s opinion of me and made it my truth.
Holding that belief kept me prisoner in so many ways. Yet until I started to doubt the blatant shouts of my own inner critic, I never had an inkling of the value that I had to offer; what I gave so naturally to children. That’s when I began to write my book and by doing so I could finally see the depth of my experience; all those things that I was so quick to discount that were valued by others, but not by me. I had to wonder why.
Finding my own voice and seeing through my own eyes
Until 2013 I didn’t realize how blinded I had been to seeing my gifts and talents for all the years preceding my decison to write the book. I finally got it. I was judging myself so harshly from someone else’s eyes with values that weren’t even mine; my father’s.
At the time I was stalled and couldn’t find any reason to continue working on my book. I had changed the title several times, but it just didn’t fit the message that I was learning that I wanted to convey.
First it was Losing Weight without Dieting. But when one of my clients boldly pointed out that with a title like that it would be expected that, as the author I had already achieved my own personal weight goals, I knew that I had to rethink the title and the direction of the book.
Then I came up with a safer title, “Say Goodbye to Dieting: The Juicy Woman’s Guide to Reclaim Your Power Over Food, Love Your Body and Yummy up Your Life.” Yet after thinking about it, that didn’t quite sum up what I wanted to convey. At the time my life was going through enormous transitions and there was no way that I could represent myself as a woman who was okay with the size of her body or whose life was yummy.
As the challenges in my life began to mount up and I started to find my own voice, and I began to deal with the places in my life where I was out of control, I realized that the direction of the book was indeed changing. It was no longer a “diet book” Mine was a critical message of self empowerment to all women and girls that had very little to do with what we eat. It was about claiming your power, not in a loud and boisterous way, but in a soft calm gentle and yet firm way done with lots of love, self love.
The challenge to come out from behind my veil of safety
When I was contacted by one of the writers of First magazine to do an interview and photo shoot for one of their upcoming issues, I was terrified. It meant that I had to come out from behind the safety of coaching on the phone and represent myself as a woman who loved her body. I wasn’t so sure that I was ready.
To boost my confidence, I began searching for role models, women who were proud of their bodies no matter what size and determined to speak and be heard, spreading their message of empowerment to other women and/or kids.
I knew I had something to say but I was scared to death to come out and be who I was and say what I wanted. I knew that I had something important to offer because when I was searching and beginning my own journey to make peace with food and friends with my body, I wanted more. I wanted more from the authors. I wanted them to tell me what and how to do it and how they failed and how they succeeded. I wanted both sides. I wanted to receive the information that they had to offer as an expert but I also wanted to relate to them. I wanted to see how real they were and how I could relate to them. I wanted to feel that I was taking them along as my coach. As a reader who has been a lifelong dieter for nearly 33 years, I wanted to see the journey through their eyes before I committed to taking my first steps. I was terrified to give up dieting and I needed lots of handholding.
With my commitment to honesty and authenticity, I knew that I could deliver that. I wasn’t going to be another talking head. I wanted to show that recovery doesn’t come overnight and it’s not found by following a straight line. It’s a journey, not a destination. And with my flawed and imperfect self and life so full of drama, I was willing to take a chance and show a vision of what a woman’s recovery and journey to empowerment looked like.
Jessica Weiner: My Role Model
A series of events occurred that ultimately brought me to Jessica Weiner’s website. As I mentioned in the previous post, Jess is a best selling author, professional speaker the Global Ambassador for Dove’s Self Esteem Fund.
Until I saw a video of her on her website, I didn’t know who she was. Once I watched that video and I saw her present herself so confidently as a body image expert on the Tyra show, I knew that I had found my role model. As a plus size woman myself, seeing Jess as a large woman standing tall and proud, gave me the courage to come out from behind the safety of coaching on the telephone into the public eye. Now with her inspiration ringing in my heart I was ready to present myself as a large and lovely woman proud and accepting of her body. I wanted to lead other women to do the same that Jess had done for me.
Seeing Jess in all her glory was what I needed to realize that it wasn’t about me. It was about my message, the gift that I have to share with other women and girls. By sharing myself and my experience I could give kids a better start than I had. I could give them the tools and teach them how to use them to build their confidence now and not wait until they are 50 years old to begin.
Until I saw that video I was stalling and unable to finish my book thinking and believing that I wasn’t ‘fully baked’ and that in order to call myself an expert on non diet weight control, stress relief and body image/self esteem I had to first get back down to my Barbie size 8. I was overly concerned with how I would be judged. Then I saw Jess and heard the passion in her voice and I realized that I had to step aside and get the hell out of my own way because what I had to teach far exceeded the bounds of my small and fragile ego. My message was so much bigger in scope and much more powerful than my need to seem perfect or my fear of being rejected. As Jess says, “life doesn’t begin 5 pounds from now.”
Jess inspired me to realize that based on the wealth of my personal and professional experience I, too am a body image and self esteem expert. Now stepping into that image for myself, I give other women the same opportunity that Jess gave me. I humbly offer myself as your guide and teacher.
After recently sending an email thanking Jess for her inspiration and requesting an interview with her, I just heard from her assistant, Kelly. I’m thrilled to have the opportunity to interview Jess and share her story with other women in my future books. As a woman in recovery from her own eating addiction, she is a real inspiration to anyone struggling with food and weight obsession and issues around body acceptance.
How ‘bout you? What have you been putting off in your life and holding off on waiting for the day that you’re finally perfect? One of the most memorable quotes Jess shares from her book of the same title is “life doesn’t begin 5 pounds from now.” What are you waiting for?
What would you do right now if you gave yourself permission to go for it? How can you use role models like me and Jess and others to spur you forward in your dreams? Leave a comment and share your story. Other women need to hear from you.
Let’s chat more about role models and how you can also find ways to look beyond your imperfections. Click the link below to join me in my new FB group,