How many times do you find yourself standing in front of the freezer chowing down on big chunks of ice cream while grousing and cursing and shaking your fists in the air in frustration, because your teenagers aren’t pulling their weight and doing more to help with the housework?
That used to be me, until I found some ways to get my kids to handle more of the household responsibilities.
Being assertive, taking a stand and getting your teenagers to help more around the house is not easy, but it can be done with a little tough love. Here are some of the tips that have worked for me.
Making Requests – As with every member of your family, it’s important to state what work needs to be done, and let them know in clear terms what type of help you expect from your son/daughter. If you want something done immediately, then clarify that and let them know how much time they have to complete the task.
Consequence – Back in the days when your teen was a tiny little one, time outs may have worked, but you won’t get far with that anymore so you need to have a better system of discipline. I think that teaching kids about consequences is the most socially responsible thing that we can do for our teens. Because it’s not personal, there are no hurt feelings involved.
According to the law of cause and effect, for every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. In terms of getting your kids to help more around the house, consider this; as their mother, you know what your kids love, and you have access to offering them their privileges, so you’ve got the carrot, the thing that drives them.
In the case of my daughter, Cara one day we both agreed that she would vacuum the furniture in the den. Since it wasn’t immediately pressing, I told her that it didn’t need to be done that day, but I wanted it completed by Sunday night.
On Friday afternoon, I told her that she would not be able to speak with her friend, Angelica (Gelli) until the job was finished at any point during the weekend. She agreed and told me that she had a lot of homework on Friday, so she wouldn’t be able to do it until her homework was done. I agreed.
Several times Gelli called and I told her that Cara had a job to do and until it was done, she would not be able to speak with her. Gell must have called about 6 different times during the weekend, hoping that Cara would be free, but each time I picked up the phone and explained that Cara would call her back when she had completed her task.
Finally on Sunday afternoon, Cara vacuumed the den, and it was right after that, I let her finally speak with Gelli. Since the two girls are so close, I now know that preventing Cara from speaking with Gelli is definitely the best and most effective consequence. How ‘bout you? What consequence can you think of that would motivate your teen to do more around the house?
Keep it neutral – This comes directly from my daughter, Cara. She explained that when my husband, Angel wants her to do the dishes, he says something like, “Cara, you only have a few dishes so you shouldn’t be worried.” She told me that she was hurt because she felt that her dad was implying that she was lazy. Since teenagers can be so touchy, it’s important to keep your requests neutral and devoid of any implications that engender hurt feelings.
Write it down – When you ask your teen to do something, make it clear that you will only tell them once, perhaps you might want to offer one reminder, but beyond that the responsibility is theirs to remember to do the task. Remembering it is part of the responsibility of doing it. Therefore as the mom, it’s not your job to nag or gripe about it. That only makes you seem weak and ineffective in your parenting skills to your kids, and they’ll quickly tune you out.
My recommendation is to tell them to write down what needs to be done in a conspicuous place where they can easily see it and be reminded to complete the task. Also I would suggest using the consequence tip to gain the leverage you need.
Service doesn’t necessarily come with a smile – In the same way that you don’t love all of the things that you need to do, kids feel the same way. Don’t put the added burden on them, expecting that they will be all smiles doing their tasks. That just isn’t realistic. Expect a bit of griping and complaining and turn a deaf ear. And by the way, where is it written that you have to police them through the completion of the chore? It’s best if you go to another room and give them the space they need to feel their feelings and come to terms with their new responsibilities in their own time and in their own way.
Timing is everything – Be respectful of your kids’ biorhythms. I know that asking my daughter to do anything on a school morning, is useless. She is not by nature a morning person and she needs time to slowly move into her day.
As a passionate writer and gal who really values her solitude, she gets up a little extra early each day so that she can be alone with her thoughts and do some writing or reading.
Asking her to clean the kitty box and interrupting her slow slow moving morning wake up ritual, would definitely not do either of us any good. It would be an exercise in sheer futility and it would lead to a lot of unnecessary arguments. That’s why she has a post it note on her door that reminds her every afternoon of what needs to be done in the house. And that keeps the harmony in our home.
Praise – Show your kids how appreciative you are for their help. Everyone loves to get a pat on the back and hear that they’ve done a good job.
Now that you have a better sense of some things that you can do to get your kids more mobile, doing more for you around the house, what will you do next?
Here are some quick tips to get your teens to help more around the house.
teenagers, chores, responsibilities, parenting, The Juicy Woman, consequence, vacuum, Andrea Amador