Empty nest syndrome is a feeling of grief and loneliness parents often experience when their grown children leave home to live independently for the first time. Perhaps your son or daughter is leaving to start a job, attend college, university or has found their own apartment and is ready to move out of your home. Being separated from any one of your kids for the first time can be really traumatic.You may be having a lot of mixed feelings about that. I know for a fact that being an empty nester or even having one of your kids leave home can make you feel lonely and alone.
Anticipating becoming an empty nester
Cara was 16 when she and I first visited Culinary for a scheduled group tour. As we all leaned in to peer into the glass wall of one of the school’s industrial kitchens, Cara turned to me with a glow on her face and exclaimed, “Mom, this is where I’m going to go to school!” I know my daughter and at that moment a shiver of fear ran down my spine, not for her, but for me. I never wanted to be apart from her.
During that week, I started to treat Cara differently. The usual loving kindness and warmth that connected us so deeply had been replaced by a chill in the air coming from my direction. I’m ashamed to say that I had launched a small, short pitiful campaign of subtle nastiness and petty jabs intended to guilt her into staying closer to home.
Acting irrationally, out of fear
That Sunday in church, I stood up and told the congregation that I wanted to share that in two years Cara was planning to go to Culinary and in my usual dramatic fashion, I playacted the sadness I felt, putting my hand over my forehead and saying that I was already practicing missing her. I imagine it was a pathetic show. After we left church and got in the car, our usual banter and playfulness was replaced by a silence so thick you could cut it with a knife.
After awhile, when we got home, Cara asked me to come to her room because she wanted to talk with me. When I sat down on her bed, she looked me straight in the eyes, and said, “Mom, I’m really angry with you. You’ve been mean to me all this week and today in church was the last straw. What’s going on with you?”
I could feel the hot tears running down my cheeks as I stumbled to find the right words to describe the sadness and emptiness I felt. I said, “Ca, I am so sorry. Please accept my apology. I know that I’ve hurt you and I’ve been really mean to you, but I just don’t want to see you leave. I just want you to stay here forever and I don’t want you to go away to college. Please don’t go.”
Cara: “Mom, I need you to let me go.”
She looked at me with her big brown, beautiful eyes filled with so much love and she said, “Mom, you don’t get it. I want to go to this school because cooking is something that I love so much, and I want to give the gift of my love to other people through food. It’s a part of me and I want you to be happy for me that I found something that I truly love. I’m never going to leave you, but I have to do this for myself. I need you to let me go and besides, really Mom, I’m not going anywhere for 2 more years. Get real!”
Through my tears, I laughed and saw myself and her from a different perspective. The conversation ended on a positive note with me telling her that no matter what she wanted, I was behind her all the way.
My attempt to shamefully manipulate my family to moving closer to Cara
Needless to say that as the time got closer, I grew more nervous until I came up with what I thought was a master plan to get closer to Cara. If Cara wouldn’t stay with me, then I would move the family close so we could all live near her. We had just sold our home and were renting a house that was about an hour away from Culinary. We had a lease for almost another 2 years.
My husband, Angel desperately wanted us to move down to Florida, but because we were going through a rocky time in our marriage, I was never going to be okay with being so far away from both of our kids. For me, moving 1300 miles away wasn’t even a possibility. So one day I called the family together and I suggested that after our lease was up, we move to a house near Culinary so that we could all be closer again. Everyone agreed and within a few months in the dead of winter we were house-hunting again.
My move manipulation plan backfires and the loneliness gets real
With less than a week to go on our lease expiring, we found a place that was a few miles away from Cara’s new school. The kitchen had almost no counter space and it was outdated. The house had no air conditioning and we were responsible for the enormous 2 acre spread of grassy field in the back and shoveling the snow in the huge circular driveway in front. But because I kept telling myself that I couldn’t live without Cara, I convinced the family those inconveniences didn’t matter, because, it was our (my) connection to Cara.
The first two semesters were heaven. I was able to see Cara almost every day. But then on her 5th month she had to leave for 5 months to go on an Externship in a location to work in a professional ‘real world’ industrial restaurant kitchen setting from a list of approved sponsors affiliated with Culinary. She chose a seaside resort in Maine. After dropping her off that first day, I thought I would die from the separation. Most every day after that was spent at the bottom of a container of ice cream, falling into one sugar coma after another. Today I realize that separation from Cara was the best thing for me. It allowed me to grow and expand beyond the Mom identity that I had carved out for myself. It’s important to remember that when your child is about to leave home, you will feel threatened. It may feel like you’re dying or they are dying. But that’s just the enormous flood of stress chemicals that are surging through your body. I take complete responsibility and I realize that my actions were beyond selfish, bordering on cruel and even abusive. I was able to recognize that as I worked more extensively on managing my own stress.
Here are the tips that helped me to come to peace with being separated from my daughter:
Grieve – There will times when you will cry, a lot. I’m talking about those ugly cries where your mouth is hanging wide open and you’re sobbing and wailing so hard that the snot is pouring out of your nose. It’s not a pretty sight, but crying is a natural form of expressing sadness. Some scientists see it as a way to release cortisol, the stress hormone from the body. After Cara left, I would spent long days in Cara’s room lying on her bed, sobbing with Owie in my arms. Then in the evenings, as my husband, Angel and son, PT were downstairs watching TV, I would sit upstairs watching the same show as I gently groomed Owie and cried some more.
Tap – Emotional Freedom Technique, also known as EFT or tapping is a way of relieving stress and releasing negative thoughts by gently tapping on different parts of your face and body. It works on the basis of sending a calming signal to your brain to pair whatever upsetting thoughts you have with the awareness that you will be okay. During the period of time I was separated from Cara and distancing myself from Angel, I was working with my coach, Angela Treat Lyon. In addition to being an amazingly brilliant and prolific artist and author, Angela is the most extraordinary teacher and talented coach in her application of how to use tapping. In the comfort and safety of her care, I was able to explore all the feelings I had related to my depression. With Angela’s help, I was able to use tapping to let go of my pervasive sadness and grief over the estrangement with my father. I also forgave him for financially back stabbing me, and re-gained a sense of my value as a coach. But perhaps the biggest benefit to working with Angela was that I gained the courage to confront some very ugly-intentioned people who had driven a wedge between my mother and I, by launching a police investigation of elderly abuse against me, so they could rob her blind. Taking those steps to take back my power in that situation pushed me to confront all my demons. Doing that gave me the gumption to come back to life, start writing, blogging and coaching again. Before working with Angela, I was consumed with my fears, acting like a scared little rabbit, I don’t think I could have done any of the things I did without her as my coach.
I can’t recommend Angela’s coaching enough!
Love your pets – It’s very likely that your pet cat or dog is also feeling the pain of the sadness of being separated from your son or daughter. Before Cara left for school, our pet cat, Owie was closest to her. She had loved and nurtured him from the time we adopted him as a stray back in 2005. The two of them were inseparable. So I tended to think of Owie as Cara’s baby. I loved him tremendously, but because I was also a little allergic to his fur, I was more hands off, and didn’t spend a lot of time with Owie until after Cara left home. As soon as Cara left for school, Owie and I developed a powerful bond. It was my time with him that helped me to overcome the sadness I felt around missing Cara. After the worst of my grief period was behind me, I found an opportunity to share my experience of overcoming depression in an article intended to help other grieving empty nester parents. I was interviewed by Erin Ollila, a freelancer writing an article for Hills Pets entitled, Empty Nest Pets: Transitioning When Kids Move Out
Get Busy – Distract yourself with meaningful work and activities. There’s a time and place for grieving, but when you reach the point where you know that you’re ready to re-engage in life again, work is the best medicine. Expect that you will bounce between grief and being functional again. Just go with the flow and avoid the tendency to judge yourself for doing what seems like silly things. At one point I spent almost an entire day stalking Cara’s Instagram feed. I was scrolling through her every photo and clicked through to visit the accounts of all her friends I knew, hoping to see just one more picture of them with Cara. In hindsight, that probably was not a very good use of my time, but it did help me to gain closure and to realize that my daughter was no longer my little girl. She had a life and friends and time had moved on and I had to do the same. I encourage you to find something that you can do everyday that will challenge you to step outside of your comfort zone. When I knew that my depression was infringing on my ability to effectively support and empower other women, I made the decision to take a pause and step away from my coaching business. To stay in integrity with myself, I had to find some other way to earn a living. The year before, Angel had purchased a gift for me of a graphic design program I wanted. During the period leading up to our move, I had been learning the program and practicing my new found skills designing. I was also watching several YouTube experts and learning about social media. I realized that social media was the place in my business where I was most challenged to produce. I spoke with Maria, my friend, who was also once my former Virtual Assistant. I decided that I wanted to take a job and become a Virtual Assistant. Thanks to Maria who referred me to her boss, I was hired a short time after. My first clients were a restauranteur, a doctor and a network of banks. What I discovered was that although my title had changed from coach and Owner of The Juicy Woman to a Virtual Assistant, I was still coaching and because it was based on providing technical skills to business owners, I could remain objective and give outstanding service. To be coaching again without having to be ‘on’ as The Juicy Woman was the greatest joy in the world to me.
Love Your Partner After the kids leave it’s a great time to reconnect with your partner. Remember how lovey dovey you were when you were dating? That’s what could be up ahead for you when your son or daughter leaves home. When Cara left, Angel and I were having difficulty and our marriage was on shaky ground because I had distanced myself from him. With the isolation of the move, and so much tension at home, I assumed that he no longer loved me. But by the time my son, PT left for the dorms, I felt completely connected to him again. My marriage had been transformed thanks to the insights I continue to gain by working with a pair of happily married marriage therapists, Lori and Bob Hollander of Relationships Work. As their Virtual Assistant and Social Media Manager I’m constantly learning from them and other therapists about about how to create a happy relationship that will last for a lifetime. By editing their videos each week, I learn so much about how men think and that has enabled me to feel more compassionate and understanding with Angel. My work with them is like a daily shot of adrenaline that keeps me feeling connected with Angel. I credit them with saving my marriage. They are amazing because they offer the perspective from the man and the woman’s viewpoint. If you’re feeling disconnected from your partner, check them out at www.relationshipswork.com
Leverage Technology to Stay Connected – When Cara was away doing her externship, we spent time each week catching up, sometimes on the phone, other times on video. I had purchased a subscription for Zoom, a video meeting service that I used to communicate with several of my clients. One day after Facebook was giving me a hard time, I decided to use Zoom to connect with Cara. It was lovely being able to see her sweet face at the end of a long day of missing her. We would chat as I prepared dinner. It was just like her being home again. During one of those video chats, I realized that having my daughter happy away from home, was actually better than having her miserable living at home. And being able to witness her joy, knowing that she is happy and doing something she loves, was almost as wonderful as our best times together at home.
Next Wednesday Cara will be graduating with her Bachelors’ from the Culinary Institute of America. Now it’s, almost 4 years later and I am one proud and happy mama. Cara’s plans are to head back to Maine and be reunited with Elijah, her fiance, so they can live and work together until they can settle down in the future. So I’m bracing myself for another long period of absence being separated from Cara, but this time I’m not worried about it because I’ve grown from my empty nester experience. In April she traveled to China for a week with her class and I didn’t flinch. I’m getting so much better at being an empty nester. I hope to move to Florida with Angel soon so I have no plans of staying in New York to live closer to Cara ever again. Because I know that however far apart we may be from one another, she will always be close to my heart.
In closing, I want to remind you that although you are missing your son or daughter, it’s important to know that your grieving will change. Don’t feel guilty about that, because that’s not evidence that you no longer love your child. On the contrary, it’s proof that you have embraced their new place in your home as an adult living a more independent life.
My life has changed so much since Cara first left home. Both of my kids moved out. After they were on their own, I learned how to really enjoy spending time alone with my husband. My son has since moved back home, but it was the experience of being separated from Cara first that really left an indelible impression on me. I’m not the same person I was back then. I’m proud to say that I’ve gone through a huge growth period and every aspect of my life has benefited from this new level of confidence I’ve gained from this experience.
If you’re suffering with dealing with empty nester depression, I know change is hard, really hard. That’s why I want to offer you as much support as I can. I’ve been starting to coach again and I want to help you through this difficult time. Starting on September 10-14th, I will be hosting a 5 day Follow Your Bliss Challenge. But for now, keep on reading this blog because I’ll continue to share daily stories and tips to inspire you to live juicy. And to connect with me, join my Facebook Group, 30 Days to Lovin’ the Skin You’re In.