I woke up feeling fat today. It’s been awhile since I’ve felt like that but my body tells me that something is wrong. In the past, I used to think that my fat days were the result of overeating or eating foods that tend to bloat my body. Now I think of those days as a barometer indicating where my feelings are and what the focus of my thoughts is at any given time.
Perhaps too, the food I ate last night was a bit saltier than usual, nonetheless, I think that the reason that I feel fat today is not what I ate, but what I neglected to say.
Yesterday afternoon I had a conversation with my father and we talked about many things. I shared my thoughts with him and felt really close to him again. Then the conversation drifted to something that I felt very strongly about but I didn’t feel comfortable speaking my mind, fearing his judgment of me. As a result, I held my tongue and hung back. Soon after I ended the conversation.
Like so many fathers and daughters, I have an on/again off/again relationship with my dad. Sometimes I feel very powerful when I talk to him and other times I feel very weak, just like a kid. Today I realized that my body is screaming at me to revisit that last conversation and to say exactly what is on my mind and tell him why something that he said bugs me. I’m taking back my body and my emotions because I realize that if I hold this upset in any longer, it will likely manifest in frustration, self destructive emotions and perhaps even escalate into a binge which I haven’t had for several months. I’ve spent too many years as the quiet church mouse, feeling afraid of being judged and not liked, fearing that if I would express myself, I would risk the love and respect of those who love me.
Now I realize that by doing that, I am doing a disservice to our relationship because I’m not being honest and I’m holding myself back, judging that person, seething inside. Now I can truly see why I’ve had so many fat days and spent unnecessary time under the covers crying and grieving my lack of self control with food. It’s not about food, you have to dig and find the feelings that are buried. Now I’ve got my shovel. I’m ready.
How about you? Do you have a relationship in your life where sometimes you feel completely disempowered and judged? Have you noticed around those times when you give in and don’t stand up for yourself, soon after you’ll get to feeling fat. Well take a look next time and go digging beneath the surface of assuming that it’s what you ate and consider that it is really something that you haven’t said.
Let me know what you think and how you feel. Please share your stories with me and let me know if this rings a bell for you.